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Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

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00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,839
it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be talking to the

3
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:34,239
who has been putting turf in his
underpants in the hope of getting

4
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:35,290
support.

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00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,260
And we'll be hearing of a new lager.

6
00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:45,310
for easygoing girls, which claims to
refresh the park that anyone can reach.

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00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:51,009
And we'll be revealing what civil
servants have for lunch about four and a

8
00:00:51,010 --> 00:00:52,060
hours.

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00:00:52,830 --> 00:00:58,229
And there was bad news this morning for
relatives, neighbours and friends at the

10
00:00:58,230 --> 00:01:03,249
reading of the will of J Septimus Cadge,
Britain's worst borrower. He left

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00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,750
everything he owed to charity.

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00:01:04,751 --> 00:01:10,619
Whilst at Swizzlewick, Yorkshire, this
afternoon, the lady mayoress unveiled a

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00:01:10,620 --> 00:01:13,859
large bust outside the town hall when
she caught her blouse in the car door

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handle.

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00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:19,440
Wings Rail today opened their first
booking office come betting shop.

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This means you can buy a ticket and put
a bet on whether or not there'll be a

17
00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:24,400
driver for your train.

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00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,999
This afternoon, thieves broke into the
luxury home of Rasmus Backstop, the

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00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,499
budgerigar cage millionaire.

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He claims they totally cleaned him out.

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00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:40,119
Finally, The Soho girls pay negotiations
took a new turn today with the girls

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demanding more money on the table.

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A lot more money on the floor and day
two money on the table.

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00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:52,519
But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, a man who freely admits that

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00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,440
sex manuals have improved his love life.
He stands on them.

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Come in, come in.

27
00:02:08,110 --> 00:02:11,470
Good morning, Mr. Gummidge. Good
morning. Good morning.

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Good morning.

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I understand you wanted to see me. Yes,
I do, Geoffrey. Glad to take a seat with

30
00:02:17,090 --> 00:02:19,320
you. Yes, Mr. Gummidge. Now, listen,
Geoffrey.

31
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You've turned out some very nice words
for greetings cards in the past five

32
00:02:23,850 --> 00:02:27,189
years that you've been with Gummidge's.
Thank you very much, Mr. Gummidge. I do

33
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try my best, you know. I know you do,
Geoffrey. I know you do. Which makes it

34
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all the more surprising that you
suddenly come up with rubbish like this.

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Rubbish? What sort of rubbish is that?
What sort of rubbish is here on my desk,

36
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Geoffrey lad? I mean, listen to this one
here. To a valentine.

37
00:02:43,180 --> 00:02:45,520
Roses are red, violets are blue.

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I bet you look sweet when you're sat on
the loo.

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It is one of yours, isn't it, Geoffrey?
It is one of mine, yes.

40
00:02:55,740 --> 00:03:00,710
I'm not very good at valentines. No,
well, it's not only the Valentine card,

41
00:03:00,711 --> 00:03:02,769
Geoffrey. I mean, here is a get well
soon.

42
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:03,820
Look at this one here.

43
00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:08,670
Your illness, dear husband, has made me
aware of how our love has lasted.

44
00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:13,370
Even though you go to the pub every
night and come home three parts

45
00:03:13,371 --> 00:03:18,769
It's just not good enough, Geoffrey, is
it? No, it's not, Mr Gummidge. No, I'm

46
00:03:18,770 --> 00:03:21,949
very sorry about that. Well, it's no
good being sorry, Mr Gummidge, is it? I

47
00:03:21,950 --> 00:03:27,009
mean, I've got here, I've got here a
card for a daughter of 18. Now, listen

48
00:03:27,010 --> 00:03:27,899
this.

49
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:30,100
Happy birthday, daughter. You're 18.

50
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:32,580
We think you've turned out swell.

51
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:37,720
You're old enough now to have a fag. And
a bit of hours your father as well.

52
00:03:41,860 --> 00:03:46,939
It's hardly the sort of thing that a
loving parent would want to send to her

53
00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:51,179
-year -old daughter, is it? No, Mr.
Gummish, no. No, I'm quite pleased with

54
00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:53,380
my... To a sweetheart card.

55
00:03:53,381 --> 00:03:56,739
Well, let's have a look at it. I've not
yet had the benefit. Come on, let's have

56
00:03:56,740 --> 00:03:57,659
it over here.

57
00:03:57,660 --> 00:03:58,920
Thank you very much.

58
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,440
Oh, you can keep your devs and your
dolly birds.

59
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,380
You can keep your punks and your
rockers.

60
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,360
Give me someone like you.

61
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,380
Someone faithful and true.

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With black leather boots and big...
Words

63
00:04:12,780 --> 00:04:19,779
just fail me,

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00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,360
Geoffrey. They just fail me just.

65
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:27,099
Are you going to give me the sack then,
Mr. Gummidge? Well, I can see no

66
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,020
alternative, can I? Unless, what is that
one in your hand by there?

67
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:32,410
Oh, Mr.

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00:04:32,411 --> 00:04:36,099
Gummidge, I don't think you'll like
this. If you didn't like those, you're

69
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:39,919
certainly not going to like this. Well,
give us the benefit. Give us the benefit

70
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,600
of the doubt, lad. Read it out to us,
please. All right, Mr. Gummidge.

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00:04:45,340 --> 00:04:49,320
To a sweet and gracious lady.

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00:04:50,410 --> 00:04:56,310
So gentle and generous and kind, with a
heart of pure gold filled with loving,

73
00:04:56,550 --> 00:04:59,050
and a face like a monkey's behind.

74
00:05:01,230 --> 00:05:04,090
It's fantastic, that one.

75
00:05:06,290 --> 00:05:10,849
Fantastic? Fantastic is just what I'm
looking for, for the new mother -in -law

76
00:05:10,850 --> 00:05:12,570
range. Oh, lovely.

77
00:05:12,970 --> 00:05:15,310
I shan't have to give you your cards
after all.

78
00:05:15,550 --> 00:05:16,600
Here you are.

79
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:31,099
you will remember me. My name is Pocter
Poggesmish of the Royal Society for the

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00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:32,840
Prevention of Piss Pronunciation.

81
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,450
For people who can't say their worms
correctly.

82
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,300
I last broke you in the tiddly vision
three or four queers ago.

83
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,960
I expect a number of you will dismember
my face.

84
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:46,650
On that occlusion, I appeal to you from
the bottom of my tart.

85
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,190
The square of thought for those
unfortunate inky diddlers.

86
00:05:50,460 --> 00:05:53,950
Ordinary people like my elf who just
can't steam to spray their worms

87
00:05:55,310 --> 00:05:57,170
And it's not very runny, I can tell you.

88
00:05:57,970 --> 00:06:02,269
Particularly when you're trying to lay
very difficult birds, like, well,

89
00:06:02,270 --> 00:06:07,529
Like... You

90
00:06:07,530 --> 00:06:10,850
see, I was trying to say Cardiff.

91
00:06:15,010 --> 00:06:16,710
Now, the society needs money.

92
00:06:16,950 --> 00:06:18,000
Your money.

93
00:06:18,770 --> 00:06:22,270
That's why I've been asked by the
margarine detector here at the BBC...

94
00:06:22,271 --> 00:06:26,739
to drip in the studio tonight and do a
special programme for the tremblers of

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00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:31,059
the society so that you, the average
gluer, will take potty on us and send us

96
00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:34,600
large accounts of mash and get the dick
out of a nasty pre -fundament.

97
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:42,399
Now, I'm going to bleed you a nice
pimple story out of this boob here that

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00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:43,480
bicky can understand.

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00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,200
It's called Little Dead Riding Hoof.

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Ponce upon a tomb, there was a titty
young girl whose gnome was Little Dead

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00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:52,920
Riding Hood.

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00:06:53,370 --> 00:06:57,689
She lived in an old blouse by the river,
in the spade of the shedding twist -nut

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00:06:57,690 --> 00:06:58,740
cheese.

104
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Both her mummy and Doddy were deaf and
gone, and she was an orphan.

105
00:07:03,670 --> 00:07:06,980
So she had to look after her little
brothel and three young shites.

106
00:07:08,910 --> 00:07:13,349
One day, on a fine spring morning in
early Apricot, Red Rising Flood decided

107
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would be a goofy idea to visit her
grandmother.

108
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:20,620
So having packed her gasket with lots of
rude things to tweet, flamboyant jack,

109
00:07:20,860 --> 00:07:25,939
homemade ample flies, and Sam
Handridges, she shot off for her

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00:07:25,940 --> 00:07:28,170
scratch cottage, deep dupe in the
florists.

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00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:33,319
But unknown to Little Bed Writhing Nude,
a nasty wicker wolf had already

112
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:39,459
raptured her granny, blocked her up in
the coal smeller, and taken her place in

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bed between the shorts underneath the
slider down.

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00:08:07,170 --> 00:08:09,970
¶¶ ¶¶

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00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,350
You're not my old tranny at all. You're
the wolf in wick.

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As she tried to scrape through the
bedroom widow, the wacky dwarf grabbed

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of both her charms.

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Shave me, shave me, she crewed. But then
that precise motel encrusted the yokel

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00:08:26,460 --> 00:08:27,510
wood -nutter.

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Hanging a big chopper over his shoulder.

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Bake your flans off that grill and leave
her a loafie clouded or I'll slice off

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00:08:34,919 --> 00:08:35,969
your bread.

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00:08:35,970 --> 00:08:39,699
So the Wicked Wharf ran away and the
Wood Nutter picked her up in his string

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hairy rams and curried her in his house
for tea.

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Little Bread Pudding Club put the cattle
on the horse and their brittle old

126
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cranny toyed jeers of wet.

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And she said to them, I hope you both
make love happily over afters.

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00:08:55,260 --> 00:08:56,980
That is the friend of my hairy Tory.

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Good night.

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00:09:23,340 --> 00:09:29,999
Did you ever have a plan, a dream, and
think it would be right for

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you?

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00:09:32,060 --> 00:09:38,599
For a moment in your life, believe
heaven would decide

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00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:39,650
for you.

134
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That feeling deep inside will guide you
to a love you

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00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:52,880
treasure. It's you and I.

136
00:10:04,150 --> 00:10:06,950
Bye. Bye. Bye.

137
00:10:25,420 --> 00:10:30,920
Let it fall, believe it, you don't have
to chase it.

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00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:41,699
Cause there's a new world all around you
that's so good, darling, and

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00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:47,680
it's made for you. There's nothing more
you need to do to keep on believing.

140
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:24,450
It's really...

141
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,480
The year is 2012.

142
00:12:46,050 --> 00:12:50,129
In an England which has now been
entirely taken over by women, where

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the breadwinners and the decision
-makers, and where men are completely

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00:12:52,830 --> 00:12:57,169
subjugated, forced to wear dresses and
given feminine names, our story concerns

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00:12:57,170 --> 00:12:59,070
two men, Janet and Betty.

146
00:13:00,210 --> 00:13:04,469
These two downtrodden specimens are on
the run, wanting for crimes against the

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00:13:04,470 --> 00:13:06,570
state by the dreaded secret police.

148
00:13:09,301 --> 00:13:16,329
They have decided to go into hiding, but
not before they steal their own

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00:13:16,330 --> 00:13:19,809
identity papers from police
headquarters, a building once known as

150
00:13:19,810 --> 00:13:21,950
London, now renamed Barbara Castle.

151
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:29,069
Janet, an employee at the castle, runs
over his daring plan with Betty, outside

152
00:13:29,070 --> 00:13:30,810
the grey walls of the grim fortress.

153
00:13:31,750 --> 00:13:35,889
Now, as soon as I get inside, I'll go to
the lavatory. Pardon? The lavatory. The

154
00:13:35,890 --> 00:13:38,480
window looks out onto the street. That's
it up there.

155
00:13:38,481 --> 00:13:39,829
Oh, yes, yes.

156
00:13:39,830 --> 00:13:41,570
I'll stick my pass out of the window.

157
00:13:42,979 --> 00:13:45,269
I'll stick it out of the window and you
grab it.

158
00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:48,699
No, I'm sorry. I can't hear a damn thing
with this cotton wool. I'll take it

159
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,000
out. What's it there for?

160
00:13:50,001 --> 00:13:53,639
It's those cannons on the parapet that
go off every hour on the hour. I thought

161
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,079
I'd take a bit of precaution, that's
all.

162
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,679
Well, that's part of the plan. You'll
have to get used to the cannons.

163
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:01,640
Now, you take my pass, change the photo,
get in with the pass.

164
00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:03,979
I'll be waiting outside with the bucket.

165
00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:05,030
Right.

166
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,560
Good luck, Janet Hilton.

167
00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:00,580
How much, dearie?

168
00:15:02,410 --> 00:15:03,730
You're rattling your keys.

169
00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:05,020
How much?

170
00:15:05,250 --> 00:15:08,150
How dare you, madam? I'm not a common
streetwalker.

171
00:15:08,151 --> 00:15:10,709
Well, what's your rattling your keys
for, then?

172
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,590
I happen to have the palsy.

173
00:15:13,530 --> 00:15:15,290
Oh, beg pardon, I'm sure.

174
00:15:35,121 --> 00:15:37,089
Two buckets.

175
00:15:37,090 --> 00:15:38,530
Um, double time Sundays.

176
00:15:39,150 --> 00:15:40,210
Well, get on with it.

177
00:15:58,470 --> 00:15:59,690
Oh, Tam.

178
00:16:00,070 --> 00:16:02,330
Oh, dear. Hello. Hello, me.

179
00:16:02,550 --> 00:16:03,910
Oh, thank you very much.

180
00:16:18,030 --> 00:16:20,080
It's these damn shoes. I'm awfully
sorry.

181
00:16:20,081 --> 00:16:23,809
I'm kindly, I'm so clumsy. I'm awfully
sorry. You're quite, you're fine, you're

182
00:16:23,810 --> 00:16:25,250
fine. You're absolutely fine.

183
00:16:25,730 --> 00:16:26,780
Don't worry about it.

184
00:16:27,410 --> 00:16:29,670
I'll be out of your way in no time at
all.

185
00:16:30,850 --> 00:16:31,900
Yeah,

186
00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:36,149
that's all right. I'll leave the rest.
It's only money, isn't it? I've got

187
00:16:36,150 --> 00:16:39,760
piles. Which reminds me, I wouldn't sit
there too long on that cold paper.

188
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:57,199
people about for my liking. The sooner
we get in that records office, the

189
00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,750
better. We've got to find a cleaning
trolley from somewhere now. Come on.

190
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:23,670
I told you a thing and you're going with
my trolley car, aren't you?

191
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,319
Oh, Betty, this is Deirdre. Deirdre
Collingwood. This is Betty Chalmers.

192
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:30,079
new here?

193
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,100
You don't look very new to me.

194
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,060
What's your game, you rat?

195
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,410
Now, don't stop.

196
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,060
Who's going to stop me? Your friend
Betty.

197
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,030
What?

198
00:17:46,980 --> 00:17:48,340
You're going to say...

199
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:53,439
of your little friend, eh? Well, about
that, he was... He's here to have got

200
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,490
something.

201
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:57,150
Got what?

202
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,540
Um, boot oil.

203
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,130
What's boot oil?

204
00:18:02,580 --> 00:18:06,319
Uh, boot... It's a new directive, you
see. I mean, if an officer comes to you

205
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:10,740
and says she's got squeaky shoes and you
haven't got it, um, you're for it.

206
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:12,290
Boot oil?

207
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:15,259
What do you mean? What have you got in
you, then?

208
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,940
Oh, I don't know. I think I've got it.

209
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:20,190
You'd better get up for supplies and get
yourself something.

210
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,380
Don't forget to get both sorts.

211
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,260
Black and brown.

212
00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:33,130
Black and blue if we're still here when
he gets back.

213
00:18:43,020 --> 00:18:47,419
It's four minutes to ten. At ten o
'clock, the gun fires three times at 15

214
00:18:47,420 --> 00:18:52,039
-second intervals. Now, you have got to
use these three bangs to cover any noise

215
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:52,939
you might make.

216
00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:56,250
What I need is a machine gun to cover
the noise of my knees knocking.

217
00:19:15,180 --> 00:19:16,230
Lovely day.

218
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,580
I'll empty this for you. Okay.

219
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:20,970
That's it.

220
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,290
Okay,

221
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,130
thank you.

222
00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:26,230
There we are.

223
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:27,690
Sorry I'm a bit late.

224
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:35,540
I feel that only I was... I had to tidy
up the other... Yes.

225
00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:37,510
You.

226
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:42,250
Yes.

227
00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:44,240
Yes. Ah.

228
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:50,730
Good answer to start.

229
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,560
The guns go off every day.

230
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,850
I know, I know.

231
00:20:29,351 --> 00:20:31,379
I'm sorry.

232
00:20:31,380 --> 00:20:34,400
It's my nerves, you know. I can't be a
noise of any sort.

233
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,100
I once joined a silent order of a
monastery. I had to leave.

234
00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:40,940
Why? There were such noisy eaters.

235
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:51,640
Oh, dear.

236
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:53,930
Oh, I'm sorry.

237
00:20:53,931 --> 00:20:55,659
Was that the last one?

238
00:20:55,660 --> 00:20:56,880
Yes, only three.

239
00:20:57,260 --> 00:20:58,460
Oh, that Kevin's a laugh.

240
00:21:13,151 --> 00:21:19,779
I'm going to have to ask you to stand
up, I'm afraid. I want to just dust your

241
00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:20,739
chair. Why?

242
00:21:20,740 --> 00:21:21,790
It's a new directive.

243
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,620
All chairs have to be dusted.

244
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:43,580
All finished round there, Betty?

245
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,330
Oh, yes.

246
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:46,580
All nice and tidy.

247
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:52,540
Off we go, then.

248
00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:54,150
Go get up.

249
00:21:54,180 --> 00:21:55,230
Bye.

250
00:21:56,020 --> 00:21:57,070
Bye.

251
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,570
As soon as she sees that mess, she'll be
after us.

252
00:22:05,460 --> 00:22:07,990
No, she won't. I've stuck her trousers
in the chair.

253
00:22:08,860 --> 00:22:09,910
Look out!

254
00:22:12,051 --> 00:22:14,079
My bucket's on fire.

255
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:15,640
It's a straight cigarette head.

256
00:23:35,790 --> 00:23:38,380
It's forbidden to impersonate women now,
you know.

257
00:23:39,030 --> 00:23:41,380
Danneroo's still locked up in here
somewhere.

258
00:23:49,490 --> 00:23:51,410
You faced the wall.

259
00:23:52,090 --> 00:23:54,910
You deserted your post and lost your
tronic.

260
00:23:55,150 --> 00:23:59,010
You know that. We know everything. It's
because we eat so much beef, you see.

261
00:23:59,190 --> 00:24:01,230
You're a stupid nitwit. You set me up.

262
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:13,630
find them. They must not be allowed to
escape.

263
00:24:13,631 --> 00:24:17,219
But they've burned their identity
papers. We have no photographs to go on.

264
00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:20,050
Silence. One is short, the other is fat.
They won't get far.

265
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,200
They must be got rid of.

266
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,200
Liquidized. They're truly liquidated.

267
00:24:25,540 --> 00:24:27,620
No. We have a new method.

268
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,830
What will happen to our heroes, Janet
and Betty?

269
00:24:30,831 --> 00:24:33,719
Have they burned their boats as well as
their papers?

270
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,730
Have they jumped out of the frying pan
into the liquidizer?

271
00:24:37,380 --> 00:24:38,520
Find out next week.

272
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:43,040
in another excruciating episode of The
Worm That Turned.

273
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,880
Yeah, you know that woman who lives over
the back of Tompkins?

274
00:25:01,580 --> 00:25:02,700
Oh, wow, yeah.

275
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,640
She got a bright pink mini.

276
00:25:05,910 --> 00:25:07,030
Who do you know?

277
00:25:07,410 --> 00:25:08,890
Well, I seen her in it.

278
00:25:09,350 --> 00:25:10,400
Oh.

279
00:25:12,430 --> 00:25:13,610
Why, what about her?

280
00:25:13,850 --> 00:25:17,070
What? I say, what about her? Oh.

281
00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:22,950
Well, old Jack says she's always been on
at her husband to buy her a Jaguar.

282
00:25:24,070 --> 00:25:25,990
Well? Well, he did.

283
00:25:26,790 --> 00:25:27,850
And he ate her.

284
00:25:44,639 --> 00:25:45,689
Evening. Sanders.

285
00:25:45,690 --> 00:25:47,179
Rodney Sanders.

286
00:25:47,180 --> 00:25:48,279
I'm your roommate tonight.

287
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,060
Oh, Snetterton. PJ Percy.

288
00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:54,560
Yes, I know what you're looking at.

289
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,900
Terrible colour, isn't it? Well, it's,
you know, it's unusual.

290
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:04,139
It's one of the two drawbacks of my
invention, you see. Hair Restore.

291
00:26:04,140 --> 00:26:06,000
stuff, but it does turn your hair pink.

292
00:26:06,540 --> 00:26:07,740
What's your invention?

293
00:26:07,741 --> 00:26:08,639
Oh, this.

294
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:10,440
Hair Restore. Makes you invisible.

295
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,090
No. Yes, yes.

296
00:26:12,260 --> 00:26:16,139
The trouble is, it only lasts 30 seconds
at the moment. That's one of its two

297
00:26:16,140 --> 00:26:18,439
drawbacks. But I'm very pleased. It's
pretty amazing.

298
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:19,490
Fantastic.

299
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,840
Fantastic. Oh, time for another dose of
this. Excuse me. Sorry.

300
00:26:22,841 --> 00:26:26,119
Dose? What do you mean? You actually
drink it? Oh, yes, yes, yes. It tastes

301
00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:29,379
rather like sherry, yes. I say, do me a
favour. I'm dying to spend a penny.

302
00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:32,339
Could you pour me out a dose, please? A
tumbler full of that and a teaspoon full

303
00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:34,330
of water. Yes. I won't be a moment.
Exactly.

304
00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:53,970
Thank you very much. Oh, thanks. Cheers.

305
00:27:01,270 --> 00:27:03,010
Oh, God, that is a strong one.

306
00:27:03,011 --> 00:27:05,469
Are you sure you only put a teaspoon in
there?

307
00:27:05,470 --> 00:27:08,060
No, you said a tumbler of the stuff deep
in the water.

308
00:27:08,230 --> 00:27:09,280
Oh,

309
00:27:09,281 --> 00:27:13,689
I don't suppose it'll matter. Look, I'm
dying to see your invention. Come on.

310
00:27:13,690 --> 00:27:14,529
Oh, right.

311
00:27:14,530 --> 00:27:15,580
Anyway,

312
00:27:16,030 --> 00:27:17,080
I'll do it.

313
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:21,600
Call me a chambermaid, you see, if you
like this. Then I'll spray you with

314
00:27:21,900 --> 00:27:25,959
Yes, yes. Make you disappear, yes. And
then you can creep up behind her and

315
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:27,010
surprise her.

316
00:27:27,740 --> 00:27:28,880
That's fun, that's fun.

317
00:27:28,940 --> 00:27:30,000
Stay where you are.

318
00:27:30,820 --> 00:27:33,830
I'll be back here. It's about five or
six paces. Here we go then.

319
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:35,890
You going?

320
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:37,530
You going?

321
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:40,450
You're gone.

322
00:27:40,451 --> 00:27:42,819
You're gone, absolutely.

323
00:27:42,820 --> 00:27:44,750
Am I gone? Yes, Jake. Look in the
mirror.

324
00:27:50,250 --> 00:27:53,630
Can you tell me what's on the room
service menu?

325
00:27:54,190 --> 00:27:56,610
Well, sir, if you fancy a little...
Whoops!

326
00:28:22,831 --> 00:28:29,039
Thank God, that's the overdose I've just
taken. Never mind, never mind. I always

327
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,270
get a hair cut. Come on, let's have a go
at that.

328
00:28:57,591 --> 00:28:59,599
and recoloured hair.

329
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,550
This girl said she felt something in
this room. Oh, really?

330
00:29:02,551 --> 00:29:05,239
Oh, probably static electricity, I
should think.

331
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:07,199
Yes, you get it with nylon carpet, you
know.

332
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,210
Ridiculous. You can't get static
electricity in your mouth.

333
00:29:12,260 --> 00:29:14,280
Oh, you're as bad as the others.

334
00:29:14,281 --> 00:29:15,259
Oh, I

335
00:29:15,260 --> 00:29:23,400
see.

336
00:29:23,401 --> 00:29:27,659
That's the most marvellous invention
I've ever seen. You're sure to win the

337
00:29:27,660 --> 00:29:28,710
prize. Oh, no.

338
00:29:28,711 --> 00:29:33,559
I've never seen a hair restorer like it.
You mentioned two drawbacks, like minus

339
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:37,159
two drawbacks. What was your second one?
Well, it weakens the roots of the hair,

340
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:40,350
you see. If you get a sudden shock, it
could all fall out. Oh, nasty.

341
00:29:40,620 --> 00:29:41,670
Yeah.

342
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:47,019
What was your other drawback? Well, I'll
tell you what it is. As I spray on the

343
00:29:47,020 --> 00:29:51,679
stuff, you see, the molecules in my body
reach a highly volatile state. So if I

344
00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:53,790
use it too much, you know, I could
explode.

345
00:29:54,180 --> 00:29:55,230
Oh, dear.

346
00:29:55,260 --> 00:29:56,680
But how much is too much?

347
00:29:56,681 --> 00:30:00,239
Well, I've no idea. I mean, I might have
been doing it too much already. I mean,

348
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:01,939
there just comes a point, I suppose...

349
00:30:01,940 --> 00:30:13,339
Here's

350
00:30:13,340 --> 00:30:20,039
a very funny joke, which I picked up
cheap the other Friday at our local

351
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:21,090
sale.

352
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:26,899
Incidentally, at various points during
the story, a man over there... in this

353
00:30:26,900 --> 00:30:32,460
corner here, will be holding up a big
card with the word laugh on it.

354
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:34,250
Just over there.

355
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:35,860
Take no notice of him.

356
00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:37,370
He's got laryngitis.

357
00:30:40,580 --> 00:30:44,859
Actually, now I come to think of it, it
was Thursday I went to this jumble sale

358
00:30:44,860 --> 00:30:49,739
because Friday was the 13th and I never
go out on Friday the 13th because I'm

359
00:30:49,740 --> 00:30:50,790
very superstitious.

360
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,950
Ever since the disaster that occurred
the last time I walked under a ladder.

361
00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:57,810
I clean forgot the budget was still up
it.

362
00:31:01,980 --> 00:31:05,420
My wife warned me, she said, on your own
head be it.

363
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:08,770
She was right.

364
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:10,450
She can talk.

365
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:15,279
I suppose that's pretty obvious,
otherwise she wouldn't have said on your

366
00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:18,980
head be it. Anyway, she was a little
tense this day and wanted to be left

367
00:31:19,060 --> 00:31:22,920
She said, why don't you take the kids
down to the vicar's jumble sale?

368
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,090
You never know, they might fetch a few
quid.

369
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:32,699
So there I am, in this church hall,
perusing the oddments and looking

370
00:31:32,700 --> 00:31:38,459
old magazines. Oh, by the way, tonight I
am determined not to ramble on at any

371
00:31:38,460 --> 00:31:42,959
price. Because I've already had two
public warnings from the high echelons

372
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:43,479
the BBC.

373
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:48,559
They keep a very close watch on this
show. This lunchtime, I was up in the

374
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:52,140
canteen, carbon dating a piece of burnt
toast.

375
00:31:54,570 --> 00:31:57,820
That's an exaggeration. The service up
there is incredibly slow.

376
00:31:58,210 --> 00:32:02,429
Would you believe the meals take so long
now that they have to put mothballs in

377
00:32:02,430 --> 00:32:03,480
jacket potatoes?

378
00:32:05,610 --> 00:32:08,170
It sounds revolting, I know.

379
00:32:08,550 --> 00:32:10,110
But it does improve the flavour.

380
00:32:11,250 --> 00:32:15,289
On quickly to this cheap joke that I am
going to tell. The one I bought in the

381
00:32:15,290 --> 00:32:19,050
jumble sale. Which concerns this chap
who goes to the doctors.

382
00:32:19,890 --> 00:32:21,070
He goes to the doctors.

383
00:32:21,290 --> 00:32:23,520
I was at the doctors the other day about
this.

384
00:32:23,620 --> 00:32:24,670
Cold, I've got.

385
00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:26,690
I've got this cold. I can't get rid of
it.

386
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:27,850
Had it since I was 11.

387
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:32,150
So I went to see the doctor the other
day with my nose.

388
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,100
Well, actually, I saw him with my eyes.

389
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:37,130
Well,

390
00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:38,920
I mean, I had my nose with me.

391
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:40,090
Well,

392
00:32:41,580 --> 00:32:43,500
it's best to carry most things, anyway.

393
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:47,960
You never know. This Jack goes to the
doctor. He said, I feel a bit rough.

394
00:32:48,460 --> 00:32:49,660
Or so the wife tells me.

395
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,020
Rather worried, I am losing a lot of
weight.

396
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:58,280
Well, the doctor has him undress.

397
00:32:58,600 --> 00:32:59,920
Rather a disturbing sight.

398
00:33:00,140 --> 00:33:02,220
Because he's incredibly thin, this chap.

399
00:33:02,420 --> 00:33:04,060
With a very, very hairy chest.

400
00:33:05,020 --> 00:33:07,430
With his shirt off, he looked like a
toothbrush.

401
00:33:08,260 --> 00:33:11,540
The doctor examined him thoroughly with
the telescope.

402
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,940
I forgot to tell you, he was very shy.

403
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:20,960
He said, in my opinion, you are
overworking. What you need is a complete

404
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:22,480
Get away from crowds.

405
00:33:23,070 --> 00:33:24,330
Get away from excitement.

406
00:33:24,650 --> 00:33:26,450
Go and see Ronnie Corbett in Cabaret.

407
00:33:27,730 --> 00:33:31,849
A little plug for my Cabaret act, which,
to be honest, is going through a bad

408
00:33:31,850 --> 00:33:36,229
patch. These days I do an hour and a
half, then the audience select a foreman

409
00:33:36,230 --> 00:33:38,030
and go away and consider the verdict.

410
00:33:39,250 --> 00:33:43,129
Sometimes, if it's going really well, I
invite one or two members of the

411
00:33:43,130 --> 00:33:44,630
audience up and do a card trick.

412
00:33:45,450 --> 00:33:48,340
Sometimes I invite them all up and we
have a game of bridge.

413
00:33:49,710 --> 00:33:51,210
Anyway, off goes this chap.

414
00:33:52,190 --> 00:33:55,889
home to his wife. Now I must point out
at this, this is not the happiest of

415
00:33:55,890 --> 00:33:59,130
marriages. The truth is they're both
total opposites.

416
00:33:59,510 --> 00:34:00,830
He's a man and she's a woman.

417
00:34:01,590 --> 00:34:04,060
He's thin and she's a little bit on the
tubby side.

418
00:34:04,061 --> 00:34:07,809
So he goes home to this chap and there
is his wife in the front room ironing

419
00:34:07,810 --> 00:34:08,860
cat.

420
00:34:09,690 --> 00:34:10,740
Very house proud.

421
00:34:14,530 --> 00:34:17,120
She's the sort of woman who puts a hair
net on a peach.

422
00:34:17,121 --> 00:34:23,428
And he tells her what the doctor has
said. He says there is only one thing

423
00:34:23,429 --> 00:34:24,479
it, a holiday.

424
00:34:25,070 --> 00:34:27,030
About time too, says the wife.

425
00:34:27,489 --> 00:34:29,409
I haven't had a decent holiday in years.

426
00:34:29,429 --> 00:34:33,290
How can you say that, he ripostes. What
about that place we went to last year?

427
00:34:33,489 --> 00:34:37,689
Sand everywhere, temperature up in the
90s. Dark -skinned natives toiling at

428
00:34:37,690 --> 00:34:38,740
local crafts.

429
00:34:38,750 --> 00:34:41,820
She said, I'm sorry, but Bradford Cement
Works isn't my idea.

430
00:34:43,330 --> 00:34:48,448
He said, well, never mind. He said, I
have been making inquiries and I've

431
00:34:48,449 --> 00:34:51,699
up. to spend a fantastic summer this
year in Morocco.

432
00:34:52,060 --> 00:34:55,840
She said, that sounds terrific, I can't
wait to see what it all looks like.

433
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:59,810
He said, well, you won't have to wait
long. He said, I'll send you a postcard.

434
00:35:00,260 --> 00:35:05,979
She said, you miserly old skinflint, you
don't mean you're going there without

435
00:35:05,980 --> 00:35:10,419
me? He said, well, look, dearest
treasure of my heart, this holiday

436
00:35:10,420 --> 00:35:11,560
suit you at all, he said.

437
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:16,719
Because I found a somewhat naughty Arab
quarter where apparently the husbands

438
00:35:16,720 --> 00:35:21,819
have so many girls in the harems, they
actually pay gentlemen seven pounds a

439
00:35:21,820 --> 00:35:24,880
time to provide a night of passion for
one of their wives.

440
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:29,779
His wife said, well, she said, right, in
that case, I am definitely coming with

441
00:35:29,780 --> 00:35:31,140
you. He said, why?

442
00:35:31,340 --> 00:35:34,480
She said, I can't wait to see how you
get by on 14 quid a month.

443
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:16,539
is right with the fruit from the vine.
There's wine by the glass and beer by

444
00:36:16,540 --> 00:36:20,260
stone. And when we've had it, it's time
to say no.

445
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:45,919
It's cold with the grapes on the bunch.
We dine by the Rhine with a breeze every

446
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:50,080
month. In my swig of Heinz and a pin on
the lunch.

447
00:36:50,380 --> 00:36:52,680
We're not very sober in October.

448
00:36:54,100 --> 00:37:00,600
What about Bavaria? That's a typical
area. And the snowy peaks, short, short,

449
00:37:00,660 --> 00:37:01,710
and glowing cheeks.

450
00:37:01,780 --> 00:37:04,940
What about Bavaria? It's a global area.

451
00:37:05,260 --> 00:37:07,140
It's there to get the best.

452
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:18,459
When I hear the cuckoo sing, when I hear
the calves go mooing, when I hear the

453
00:37:18,460 --> 00:37:22,120
cowbell ring, then I think to my proud
you.

454
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:27,860
Oh, the matter on his mind, and the
Jungfrau's big and blue.

455
00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:33,640
When I see them side by side, then my
lips and my gut is new.

456
00:37:49,879 --> 00:37:56,220
And you quaffed, and you laughed, and
your dentures went down the drain.

457
00:37:59,140 --> 00:38:02,720
In autumn time we love to dance.

458
00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:19,400
I'm quite unique.

459
00:38:19,700 --> 00:38:20,920
They're so antique.

460
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:26,339
They crack and creak. We're having them
sold and healed next week. This will be

461
00:38:26,340 --> 00:38:27,460
the best very thing.

462
00:38:28,220 --> 00:38:31,180
I can be asked for winter sports.

463
00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:34,160
Out of doors and out of shorts.

464
00:38:34,380 --> 00:38:37,100
Wearing my third line thermal shorts.

465
00:38:37,340 --> 00:38:42,800
Well, in a snowdrift. Let's just try.

466
00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:44,130
Two big guys.

467
00:38:44,420 --> 00:38:45,640
My problem's five.

468
00:38:46,020 --> 00:38:50,550
Each took a leg. and one of them cried,
why don't we make a wish?

469
00:38:51,790 --> 00:38:58,689
Swimming down the mountain pass, just
can't ease up. The snow and ice

470
00:38:58,690 --> 00:39:05,049
are smooth as glass, one day freeze up.
I'll tumble down a small

471
00:39:05,050 --> 00:39:11,490
crevasse, legs and knees up. I'm frozen
stiff as a busted peg.

472
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:17,300
Up stumps a dog with a brandy keg. It
raised my hopes till it raised its leg.

473
00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:18,570
Hello.

474
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:29,440
Hello. The echo is very bright.

475
00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:30,770
Hello.

476
00:39:31,460 --> 00:39:33,820
That wasn't very nice.

477
00:39:33,821 --> 00:39:34,979
Yoo -hoo.

478
00:39:34,980 --> 00:39:35,899
Yoo -hoo.

479
00:39:35,900 --> 00:39:37,740
The echo is very bright.

480
00:39:52,890 --> 00:39:56,350
The echo is like a bell. Bye -bye.

481
00:39:57,450 --> 00:39:59,670
And you're one of them as well.

482
00:40:03,070 --> 00:40:04,120
And you!

483
00:40:20,630 --> 00:40:23,890
A blonde and a beer and a banger.

484
00:40:24,990 --> 00:40:28,570
Ah, you're wanting something hot,
Margarita cried.

485
00:40:29,030 --> 00:40:32,110
I thought she meant the mustard, so no,
I replied.

486
00:40:32,970 --> 00:40:36,450
Guess who ended up with a beat on the
side?

487
00:40:36,810 --> 00:40:39,570
And I got the beer and the banger.

488
00:41:16,420 --> 00:41:21,179
German dancers stand for cheer, full of
fun and full of fear. German dancers

489
00:41:21,180 --> 00:41:23,800
feeling bright, not a sauerkraut inside.

490
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:27,920
There's a beautiful band in the ground,
clap your hands and slap your chum.

491
00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:33,259
Rich's partner went too far, kicked him
in the oompa -pa. I heard the singer

492
00:41:33,260 --> 00:41:38,539
Schmidt, what a dancer, what a twit. See
the way he steps his toes, ten of these

493
00:41:38,540 --> 00:41:39,590
and one of those.

494
00:41:39,860 --> 00:41:43,360
Wearing violets in his hat, he's
amazing, he's a prat.

495
00:42:08,299 --> 00:42:11,100
Thank you.

496
00:42:11,300 --> 00:42:17,560
Thank you.

497
00:42:37,171 --> 00:42:44,039
Seems to be about all we have time for,
but before we go, a few late items of

498
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:48,299
news. In the little -known African state
of Mpopoland, doctors have appealed for

499
00:42:48,300 --> 00:42:49,980
help after running out of leeches.

500
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,660
Britain is to airlift in 200 estate
agents.

501
00:42:56,380 --> 00:43:02,620
Mr Wally Turnham has again won the most
amorous milkman of the year award.

502
00:43:02,621 --> 00:43:06,699
Apparently he's so popular with his lady
customers that he's started to leave

503
00:43:06,700 --> 00:43:09,410
notes on their doorstep saying none
today, thank you.

504
00:43:12,940 --> 00:43:16,799
up at the wages office of a timber yard
was foiled today by a workman with a

505
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:19,930
chainsaw. Police are looking for a sawn
-off man with a shotgun.

506
00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:27,659
The president of the Society of People
Who Like Eating Rotten Food said today

507
00:43:27,660 --> 00:43:31,259
that their annual picnic had been a
tremendous success with everything going

508
00:43:31,260 --> 00:43:32,310
really well.

509
00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:37,619
And in tonight's 3A's high jump finals
at Wembley, Graham Tong of Basildon

510
00:43:37,620 --> 00:43:40,450
didn't jump high enough, hit the bar and
was eliminated.

511
00:43:40,510 --> 00:43:44,120
Tom Bassett jumped too high, hit an
overhead cable and was illuminated.

512
00:43:46,750 --> 00:43:50,769
In next week's programme, we'll be
talking to the man who crossed a chicken

513
00:43:50,770 --> 00:43:54,109
a Ouija board and got a chicken that
gets in touch with the other side of the

514
00:43:54,110 --> 00:43:55,160
road.

515
00:43:55,161 --> 00:44:00,209
Then we'll be hearing of the impact of
silicone treatments in nursery land when

516
00:44:00,210 --> 00:44:03,389
we talk to not -so -little Bo Peep, far
from little Miss Muffet and enormous

517
00:44:03,390 --> 00:44:04,440
Jack Horner.

518
00:44:04,441 --> 00:44:08,279
Till then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

519
00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:12,830
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